


Waiting To Let Me Know

by Synnerxx



Category: The Shield (TV)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Arguing, Case Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-06
Updated: 2012-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synnerxx/pseuds/Synnerxx
Summary: Shane walks away, but he'll always come back to Lem.





	Waiting To Let Me Know

**After they argue**

  
  
Shane's mouth presses against his and Lem really didn't know what he expected their first kiss to feel like, but certainly something with significantly less teeth, maybe. Shane bites at his bottom lip until they both taste copper and salt, forcing Lem to break the kiss. He gently touches his lip and winces when his fingers come away wet with blood.  
  
Shane's staring at him with hooded eyes, panting slightly. He leans forward and licks the blood away from Lem's lip, pulling back with a smirk. He doesn't say anything, just watches Lem.  
  
Lem sighs and steps back away from Shane. “You know we can't do this here. We're going to get caught.”   
  
“No, we won't. No one's here.” Shane steps back into Lem's personal space, forcing him back until he's pressed against the door.  
  
“Shane, stop. I said we can't do this here and I meant it.” Lem pushes at Shane's chest.  
  
Shane glares at him, but moves back. “Whatever you say. Lem. Just be sure that I'm not sticking around.”  
  
“Shane, just because we can't fool around here, you're going to get all pissy and leave? Let's just go back to my place.” Lem suggests, reaching out for Shane.  
  
“No, I don't want to now.” Shane snaps.   
  
“And now you're whining.” Lem rolls his eyes and shakes his head.  
  
“Fuck you, I am not.” Shane snarls.  
  
“Yes, you are. Look, we can't do it here, so what? Why is this such a big deal?” Lem asks, cocking an eyebrow at Shane.  
  
“You're being a dick. We're not going to get caught. I made sure of that.” Shane snaps.  
  
“Oh, I'm being a dick? Shane, the second you don't get your way, you have to pick a fight with someone.” Lem points out.  
  
“Whatever. I'm done with this conversation.” Shane pulls Lem away from the door and storms out of it.  
  
Lem almost wants to go after him, but what would be the point? They would only start arguing again and Lem's already got a headache. He finishes up the paperwork quickly and then heads out to his Jeep, only to find that Shane is leaning against it, arms crossed, a contemplative look on his face.  
  
“What do you want, Shane?” Lem asks, stopping in front of him.  
  
Shane looks at him and sighs. “Look, fighting isn't getting us anywhere, so can we call a truce?”   
  
“I wasn't the one picking a fight.” Lem points out.  
  
Shane runs his hands through his hair and pushes away from Lem's Jeep. “Look, I was an ass, okay? Can we just go back to your place and have some fun?”  
  
Lem nudges Shane out of the way and unlocks his door. “Suddenly, I'm not in the mood.”  
  
Shane presses against him, sliding his hands around Lem's waist. “Come on, you never say no to me.”   
  
“Maybe it's time I start, hmm?” Lem tries to squirm out of Shane's arms, but Shane merely tightens his grip.  
  
Shane nuzzles against Lem's neck. “Don't be like that, Lem.”  
  
“Like what, Shane? Someone who won't take your shit for once?” Lem snaps, turning to face Shane.  
  
“Why do you have to make everything so fucking difficult, huh?” Shane's fingers dig into Lem's skin, making him wince.  
  
“Because you like to turn everything into a goddamn fight.” Lem retorts, shoving Shane back a few steps.  
  
“Me? Bullshit.” Shane glares, crossing his arms.  
  
“The second you don't get your way, it's a fight and fuck what everyone else thinks.” Lem throws his hands up and turns back around, opening up the door of his Jeep.   
  
“Well, if you wouldn't piss me the fuck off, we wouldn't have this problem, would we?” Shane growls.  
  
“I'm so tired of fighting with you, Shane. It seems like that's all we do these days.” Lem looks back over his shoulder at Shane.  
  
“I can't help it you wanna bitch about every little thing.” Shane glares at Lem.  
  
“Whatever, Shane. I'm sick of fighting with you over stupid shit.” Lem sighs and shakes his head.  
  
“This isn't stupid shit! This is about us.” Shane snaps, still glaring.  
  
“Us? There is no 'us', right? That's what you always say. There's just sex. We're not dating or anything, right, Shane?” Lem turns around with a heated glare on his face.  
  
“Right, my mistake.” Shane sneers at him.  
  
“I'm beginning to think that it's not worth it either.” Lem shakes his head.  
  
“You know what? Fuck you, Lem.” Shane snaps and stalks off towards his own car.  
  
“You wish you were tonight.” Lem mutters and climbs in his Jeep and takes off, heading home, wanting a nice, hot shower and to erase anything thoughts of Shane tonight.  
  
When he gets home, he slams his front door a little harder than is maybe necessary, but it makes him feel better for the moment. He empties out his pockets on his dresser and shimmies out of his clothing, tossing it here and there, not caring where it lands.   
  
He goes into the bathroom and turns on his shower to the hottest temperature he can stand and gets it, letting the water pound down on him, soothing his tired muscles. He doesn't think of Shane. In fact, he doesn't think much of anything, letting the sound of the shower provide a sort of white noise that allows him to block out his thoughts and concentrate on getting clean.  
  
Too soon, the water starts to cool down and he turns it off, stepping out and tugging a towel free from the cabinet, wrapping it around his waist. He walks back into his bedroom and digs through his closet, tossing a t-shirt on the bed and turns to his dresser, pulling out a clean pair of boxers.  
  
He dries off quickly, slipping into his clothes and sliding into bed with a sigh. He almost wishes Shane was there with him, but he groans and rolls over, laying on his stomach and ignores those thoughts. It's not like they were even a couple. They were just friends that fucked occasionally. No big deal. There is nothing romantic between them at all.   
  
Lem most certainly does not think he's falling in love with Shane either. No way. That would never, ever happen. Even if it did, he'd never tell Shane either. Shane would never feel the same. Shane's a love 'em and leave 'em type. It's a wonder that he's even stayed with Lem for this long, even if it is only sex between them.   
  
He just doesn't like the feeling that he left something unfinished, something that he could have fixed in some way, if only Shane was an easier person to talk to. He doesn't like arguing with Shane. It feels wrong somehow, makes him uncomfortable in a way that he can't properly describe and he hates that feeling. He wants to make things right again, but he also wants Shane to be the one to make things right instead of walking away when they got too hard.  
  
Then again, all this sounds like something a couple would do and they're not a couple, as Shane is so quick to point out every time the subject is broached. Lem learns fast to stop bringing it up, even in jest. He hates hearing that contemptuous tone in Shane's voice when he says they're not dating and are most certainly not a couple, thank you very much.  
  
Lem sighs to himself and buries his face in his pillow. There's no use in thinking these things because, well, because there's just no point. They'll never be a couple, Shane will always be a dick, and none of it should matter to Lem anyway. Because it's just sex, right? Right.  
  
None of this is actually helping him fall asleep and he's exhausted. He also has an early day tomorrow, so he groans and tries to block out his whirling thoughts and fall asleep, resorting even to counting sheep. He even tries a relaxation technique a former girlfriend taught him. He starts at his feet and makes a conscious effort to relax every muscle in his body until he sinks into the bed and actually feels like he can go to sleep now, even if it won't be the best sleep he's ever gotten.  
  
Lem falls into an uneasy sleep, plagued by unsettling dreams and half-memories.  
  


**~*~**

  
  
Shane gets home, slamming his door as usual and stalks around his apartment, thoroughly pissed off. Leave it to Lem to be the most irritating person to sleep with on the whole fucking planet. He could be having sex right now, but no. Lem had to go and be an asshole. Again.  
  
Shane's beginning to agree with Lem. Maybe this thing between them isn't worth the drama that's starting to crop up. He snarls to himself and stomps around his bedroom, looking for something to sleep in. He showers quickly, too mad to even enjoy it and that only makes him even more mad.   
  
All they seem to be doing lately is fighting and honestly, Shane's getting tired of it himself. He's not the type to stick around this long, so Lem should really count himself lucky. Really, the only reason Shane is still with him is because he's such a good fuck. It's not like there's anything else going on between them. Shane doesn't have long term relationships. Shane has flings. It's just how he works. Lem knows that. Lem's always known that, so Shane doesn't get why he brings them being a couple up all the goddamn time.   
  
They're not a couple and never will be. End of freaking story, okay? Shane huffs to himself over his thoughts and gets ready for bed. He goes into the kitchen for some aspirin because he can feel a headache building and he wants to nip it in the bud. He shakes out two into his palm and tosses them into his mouth, swallowing them dry. He makes a face and puts the bottle back up in the cabinet, heading back to bed.  
  
There will be time for the contemplation of his non-relationship with Lem some other time. He's exhausted and he's got an early day back at the Barn in the morning, so he'd really like to get some sleep tonight. He shoves out all the irritating thoughts and focuses on his breathing, trying to relax enough to fall asleep.  
  
He'd be relaxed enough and probably already asleep if Lem had just gone along with the plan of them fucking. He grunts and rolls over onto his side, tucking an arm under his pillow. That's enough of that. He's tired of thinking about Lem. He just wants some goddamn sleep.  
  
Even when he's not around, Lem still manages to get under his skin. It doesn't matter, he tries to tell himself. Lem doesn't matter, but something inside of him recoils from that statement and it's nothing that he wants to examine to closely because Shane is a man who's perfected the art of not reading into his emotions and wants and needs too closely and why break that habit now? It's served him well all his life and it will continue to serve him well for the rest of it, he thinks to himself with a sigh.  
  
It's not that he even needs Lem, it's just that he wants him. There's a big difference, Shane thinks and then groans because none of this is helping him sleep and he's tired of thinking about Lem and their fucked up issues and fucked up non-relationship. He's just tired and he wants some goddamn sleep, okay?  
  
Finally, fucking finally, he manages to drift off, though he's still thinking a little bit about Lem and he's still angry, but now he's asleep and whatever happens can wait until the morning, preferably after he's had his coffee.  
  


**After they try to work it out**

  
  
Lem catches up with Shane in the break room the next morning. Shane's pouring in a ton of sugar into his coffee and Lem makes a face at it.  
  
“You want some coffee with that sugar?” He asks, grabbing a cup for himself.  
  
“Didn't sleep well last night.” Shane grunts, clearly not in a talkative mood, not that he ever really is.  
  
Lem hums a sound of agreement and pours himself some coffee, adding a little milk and sugar and stirring it. “Can we talk?”  
  
“About?” Shane takes a sip of his coffee, turning to face Lem as Lem continues stirring his own coffee.  
  
“What happened yesterday. I think we both said some things that we didn't mean.” Lem tosses the spoon in the sink and turns to face Shane, leaning a hip against the counter.  
  
“You mean you said some things you didn't mean. I meant everything I said.” Shane shrugs, looking unconcerned.  
  
“Look, Shane, I'm trying to patch things up between us. You could at least be a little more helpful.” Lem snaps.  
  
“Why would I do that? Yesterday was your fault, not mine, so it's your job if you wanna 'patch things up'.” Shane sneers into his coffee cup.  
  
“Okay, look, I'm sorry we fought yesterday. Are we okay now?” Lem asks, looking expectantly at Shane.  
  
“You know what? I'm starting to get tired of this game we're playing. It's probably long past time we moved on.” Shane says, shrugging again.  
  
Lem stares at him for a moment. “You can't be serious.”  
  
“Why not? This was never serious.” Shane gestures between the two of them.  
  
“I thought...” Lem trails off.  
  
“Thought what?” Shane cocks his head.  
  
Lem walks over to the door and closes it before looking back at Shane. “I thought this was going somewhere. We've been together for longer than any of your previous relationships.”  
  
“Okay, first of all, we are not together. We fuck on a regular basis. There is a difference. Second of all, my previous relationships bear no status in this conversation.” Shane shakes his head, putting his coffee cup down on the counter.  
  
“So you're telling me that there's absolutely nothing between us except sex.” Lem says with a blank face.  
  
“That is exactly what I'm telling you.” Shane meets Lem's gaze without flinching.  
  
“So if I were to walk away and never see you again, you wouldn't care in the slightest, am I right?” Lem demands, crossing his arms.  
  
“That's not what I said. We're friends. I'd care, but only as a friend.” Shane rolls his eyes.   
  
“Right, just as a friend.” Lem nods.  
  
“Look, you're blowing this way out of proportion.” Shane sighs, scrubbing his hands down his face.  
  
“No, no, I'm just trying to get all the facts straight about this lack of relationship we have.” Lem shrugs, arms still crossed.  
  
“Fine. We're friends that hook up on a regular basis. That's it. There's nothing else to this thing between us, okay?” Shane snaps, patience wearing out finally.  
  
“Whatever you say. Just remember that you said it and I didn't.” Lem says.  
  
“Whatever, man.” Shane snaps, snatching up his coffee and stalking out of the break room after he wrenches the door open. He shoves a rookie out of his way and storms into the Clubhouse, slamming the door behind him.   
  
Lem follows along behind him at a more sedate pace, ignoring the questioning looks he gets. He doesn't go into the Clubhouse. He has a case to work on and it's about time that he got started on it. Shane can stew in his own anger for a while. It's not Lem's job to calm him down anymore. It apparently never was. Leave it to Shane to ruin a good thing when he has it.  
  
He snags Ronnie on his way out and they head out to the streets to go chase down some information they need to get a solid lead on the case they're working. Ronnie wisely doesn't ask what went down between him and Shane in the break room.  
  
They spend the day out on the streets, chasing down leads and gang members alike, pounding the pavement while Vic and Shane stay back at the Barn, catching up on paperwork and pissing off Aceveda. Honestly, Lem just wants to stay as far away from Shane as he can today, unwilling to face him after their argument in the break room. He's still furious with Shane over his constant denial over what is so obvious to Lem.  
  
Him and Ronnie are heading back to the station when Ronnie looks over at him and opens his mouth. He frowns and closes it again, turning to look out of the window again.   
  
Lem shoots him a glance. “What?”  
  
Ronnie looks over at him again. “Look, I'm not trying to pry, but you and Shane are kind of hard to ignore and everyone knows what's going on between you anyway, so I'm just going to come out and say it. Are you two fighting or something?”   
  
Lem huffs out a sigh and squeezes the steering wheel briefly before answering. “Kind of.”   
  
“How do you kind of fight with someone?” Ronnie asks, a hint of amusement in his voice.  
  
“Shane's just an asshole. We all know that.” Lem shakes his head and keeps his eyes on the road even though he can feel Ronnie's gaze boring into his side.  
  
“Yeah, but you're not a pushover either. You want to talk about it?” Ronnie asks, amusement fading into concern.  
  
“Not particularly.” Lem shrugs, glancing again at Ronnie.  
  
“You sure?” Ronnie pushes, sensing that Lem does need to talk.  
  
“I'm sure. Thanks though.” Lem pulls into the parking lot and turns off the Jeep.  
  
“Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.” Ronnie rests his hand on Lem's shoulder briefly before getting out of the car.  
  
Lem sighs and follows, heading inside the Barn and to the Clubhouse after Ronnie. Vic and Shane look up at their arrival.   
  
“You get anything useful?” Vic asks, throwing down his pen and stretching.   
  
“Not really. A few drug busts here and there, but nothing for the main case.” Ronnie says, dropping down into the seat beside Vic.  
  
“I told you it should have been us out there.” Shane grunts, glaring down at the paperwork in front of him.  
  
“But you're my favorite whipping boy. Besides, most of this is your fault anyway. I don't need Aceveda getting all up in our business.” Vic says, tone hard.  
  
“How is this my fault?” Shane glares up at Vic as the other man stares him down.  
  
“Because you're the one that pissed off Aceveda, so he decided to dump a shit load of paperwork on us.” Vic snaps.  
  
“Whatever.” Shane grunts, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair.  
  
“Oh, don't sulk. What are you, five?” Vic rolls his eyes at Shane.  
  
Shane huffs, but doesn't bother answering Vic. His eyes find Lem, who is resolutely not looking at him or anywhere near him. It's enough to make him smirk until he catches Ronnie's eye and Ronnie shakes his head slightly, glancing at Lem.  
  
Shane frowns and Ronnie looks back at Vic, listening now to Lem catching Vic up on what all happened on the streets today. Ronnie chimes in here and there, filling in the blanks for Vic. Shane listens with half an ear, most of his attention on Lem.   
  
He does feel a bit guilty for their argument this morning, but Lem just didn't seem to understand that they were not in a relationship. Shane is not gay! So what if he sleeps with Lem sometimes? He's not gay and he never will be because he likes women, even if he does like fucking Lem as well.   
  
“Shane, you're going with Lem tomorrow to follow up on Little Vee. Got that?” Vic asks, snapping Shane out of his thoughts.  
  
“Yeah, sure.” Shane says automatically, not really listening to what Vic has said. Then it sinks in and he darts a glance at Lem, who is staring down at his feet, jaw clenched.   
  
“Let's go home for the night, boys. Get some rest.” Vic herds them out of the Clubhouse and they walk through the nearly empty Barn.   
  
A few mumbled goodbyes later and Ronnie and Vic are gone, driving out of the parking lot. Lem searches through his pockets for his keys and Shane watches him, debating something. Lem doesn't look at him, doesn't try to say anything and anger fills Shane's veins suddenly, burning hot and bright. It takes him by surprise.   
  
“What is wrong with you?” He stalks over to Lem and slams his door shut just as Lem manages to get it open.   
  
“Excuse me?” Lem snaps, taking a step back in surprise as the door slams, Shane in his face all of a sudden.  
  
“You were all over me this morning, wanting to talk about our issues and now you can't even look at me!” Shane's voice gets louder and louder until he's almost screaming at Lem.  
  
“What do you want from me, Shane?” Lem sighs and rubs his hands down his face, tired.  
  
“I want you to figure out what the fuck it is you want here from me and fucking tell me.” Shane pushes him up against the door of the Jeep.  
  
“I know what I want, Shane. The problem here is that you don't. So I think you're the one that needs to figure out what you want and get back to me because otherwise this isn't going to work. Hell, I don't think it is anyway.” Lem shoves Shane's hands off of him.  
  
“You don't think this is going to work out? Then why are you still with me?” Shane leans up into Lem's face.  
  
“According to you, I'm not actually with you because there is nothing between us except sex.” Lem sneers at him.  
  
“Now you're just being a bitch.” Shane snaps.  
  
“And you're repeating the same old tired arguments. Look, it's not going to work out. I'm done trying.” Lem shakes his head and turns away from Shane.   
  
“I never thought you'd give up so easily.” Shane laughs cruelly.  
  
“It's not about giving up. Besides you're getting what you want, so what does it matter? A relationship shouldn't be such a fucking struggle. No wonder all those girls left you.” Lem sighs, no malice in his voice anymore.  
  
“If that's what you think, I guess you're right. There is nothing left.” Shane shrugs and turns away from Lem, walking away without a look back. He gets in his car and drives off with a screech of tires on concrete and never looks back.  
  
Lem watches the taillights and shakes his head because this is the way things are always going to end between them. He was stupid to think this could ever work in the first place. Shane spends all his time denying everything that doesn't fit his view of himself and the world and that's a dangerous thing. Lem isn't about to get sucked into that mentality.  
  
Sometimes love just isn't enough of a reason to keep holding onto someone when all they want to do is walk away from you.   
  
Lem drives home, relentlessly pushing all thoughts of Shane out of his mind. He's done thinking about this. From now on, Shane's just someone that he works with. He doubts they can even be friends after this, not that Shane will even want to. He doesn't need Shane and Shane clearly doesn't need him.  
  
He sits in his drive away and stare up at his house for a moment, wondering if he is ever meant to find someone that he can spend the rest of his life with. All his relationships inevitably fail and he should have known that, with Shane, it would be no different, especially considering that it was Shane in the first place.  
  
He gets out of the Jeep and walks up to his house, going inside and turning on the lights, trying to make it seem less lonely. It doesn't really work, but he likes to think it does. Maybe he's better off alone anyway.  
  
Maybe it's better this way.  
  


**When It's His Fault**

  
  
"How in the hell did you manage that?" Vic demands, staring at Lem and Shane.   
  
"Well, if Shane had been doing his job and was actually looking out for people coming up on us, this wouldn't have happened." Lem shoots a glare Shane's way and fingers the edge of the bandage on his arm.   
  
"Oh, so you're blaming me? I guess I shouldn't be surprised." Shane snaps back, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Since it's your fucking fault, you're damn right I'm blaming you." Lem's voice rises.  
  
"Alright, enough. Both of you. Point is, Lem got hurt, we lost a potential witness, and I've got Aceveda breathing down my neck. I need some results, so tomorrow, you two had better have worked out your shit or leave it at home because I can't deal with this on the job when it's making you both fuck up like this. Understand?" Vic asks, eyeing them both.  
  
"Yeah." Shane mumbles.  
  
"Fine." Lem nods with a sigh.  
  
"Good. This shit doesn't need to happen again." Vic says sternly.  
  
They nod and Shane walks out of their office, heading for the break room. He pours himself a cup of lukewarm coffee and fixes it up. He still winces at the taste, but it's better than nothing, he supposes.   
  
What happened today really had been his fault, but there was no way he was going to admit that to Lem and Vic.   
  
_He had been distracted and that had allowed the 'bangers to get the jump on Lem and hurt him. He still remembered the flare of sheer panic when he saw Lem stagger out of the house, clutching his arm and dripping blood down the front of his shirt.  
  
Lem had been pissed too. "What the hell, Shane? You couldn't tell me that someone was coming?"  
  
"I didn't know! I didn't see them!" Shane protested, reaching out for Lem's arm.  
  
Lem pulled away from him. "Yeah, I bet you didn't."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Shane glared.  
  
"Fuck off, Shane. I'm fucking bleeding and not in the mood to deal with you, okay?" Lem grunted, heading for the car where there was a medical kit. He wipes the blood away as best he can and then wraps the Ace bandage around his arm.   
  
"Sure you don't need stitches?" Shane asked, unwilling to admit that he was concerned, but not wanting Lem to bleed to death or something.   
  
"No, I don't." Lem finished up with the bandage and climbed in his side of the car. "Let's go. There's nothing more here to get."   
  
Shane nodded and got in on his side, starting the car and driving back to the Barn, unable to stop glancing over at Lem occasionally.   
  
Red had soaked through the bandages, a shockingly bright color against the beige of the wrappings. He was worried, but Lem appeared to not even notice. The drive was silent and tense, angry on Lem's side and concerned on Shane's. The tension crackled between them, words left unspoken that neither wanted to be the first to say because that would be like giving up and neither of them was going to do that.   
  
Too much had been lost between them that Shane didn't know if there was a chance for it to ever be what it used to be. Somehow he doubted it and it hurt that he did. He wasn't about to admit that though. He knew he was to blame for most of the things that had gone wrong in their relationship, but not all of it had been his fault. Lem had just been all too willing to lay the blame at his feet and walk away from him, so he was going to let him, no matter what it cost him. _  
  
He finishes his coffee and is about to leave for the night because he doesn't want to stick around when he knows this is Lem's night to finish up paperwork, but somehow he finds himself drawn back into their office and finds Lem at the table, papers spread out before him, pen in hand.   
  
"You sure you're okay?" Shane asks when Lem doesn't even bother to glance up at him.  
  
"Yeah." Lem still doesn't look at him, instead signs his name to a paper and places it back in a folder.   
  
"You, uh, want some help with the paperwork?" Shane offers, trying to seem helpful and like he cares because he really does.   
  
"Nope. I got it." Lem still won't look at him and it's driving Shane crazy.   
  
He glares heatedly at Lem's bent head as he reads over more case notes and resists the urge to pick another useless fight with the other man. It'd be pointless and would just piss him off more because Lem doesn't even seem to be in a mood to acknowledge that he exists, much less argue with him.  
  
He nods to himself mostly and heads back out the door, thinking he's doing something wrong by leaving, but unable to figure out why and he doesn't really want to go back in there and deal with Lem ignoring him and the crackling of the tension between the two of them again. So he leaves and misses Lem looking up at him with a slightly lost expression on his face.  
  


**~*~**

  
  
As soon as Shane is gone, Lem tosses his pen down on the table and scrubs his hands down his face, a groan of irritation leaving his mouth. He's tired of the stress, of the tension that's between them, but Shane's made it clear that there's nothing between them and therefore nothing to talk about, so Lem's just going to have to deal with it because there's nothing wrong.  
  
It feels like everything is wrong, like it's all falling apart and there's nothing he can do to stop it. He hates the feeling and wants to work things out because having all this tension around is just draining and he's not sure how long he can keep this up. It's not even about him being in love with Shane anymore. It's about getting rid of whatever is between them so they can do their damn jobs.  
  
Even if Lem still loves him, there's no way he really wants to be with him anymore. It's too much and not enough and Lem's just going to have to figure out a way to move on and get on with his life because there's nothing between them anymore and there never will be. He really doesn't care about that anymore, but he's sick of having his work suffer because of this bullshit and what happened today is a prime example of that. He got hurt because Shane was off his game and there's no excuse for that shit.  
  
He groans again, still frustrated, but he picks up his pen and gets back to work. He wants these reports finished so Vic can stop breathing down his neck because Aceveda's breathing down his. Stupid chain of command.   
  


**~*~**

  
  
Shane stares up at his ceiling, unable to sleep and still feeling the buzz of anger hovering just underneath the surface of his skin. It feels like that's the only emotion he's capable of feeling these last few days. It's exhausting to maintain, but it gives him an edge he usually doesn't have, an extra burst of energy that not even coffee can give him and it scares him to some degree, but he's usually too focused on the anger that burns, hot and deep, to notice.  
  
He sighs and rolls over, opting to stare at the clock now, even though it's not going to help him get to sleep any faster. There's still five hours before he has to get up. Enough to get a decent night's sleep if only he could fall asleep in the first place.   
  
He gets up and pads barefoot into the kitchen for a drink of water and, as is usual these days, his thoughts turn to Lem. He wonders if he's asleep right now or if he's thinking about Shane. About what they had and what they lost which, in the privacy of his own mind, Shane will admit a large amount of blame belongs to him. He knows it's his fault for continuing to say that there was nothing between them except sex and pushing Lem away when things got too close for comfort for him. He's bad at relationships like that.  
  
He gets a glass down from his cabinet and fills it up in the sink. He shifts and leans against his counter, sipping at the water. He misses Lem, misses his warmth and the sleepy kisses he got pressed into his skin in the morning when his alarm woke them both up. He misses the sex, but mostly he just misses Lem. Leaving him was pretty stupid. Shane's never claimed to be the smart one, that's Ronnie, but even he thought he'd have more sense that this. He's been wrong before though and is wrong now.   
  
Not that he'd ever admit that out loud. Even just thinking about it makes him feel defensive. He dumps the rest of the water out in the sink and puts the glass on the drying rack, deciding to go back to bed and try to get a little more sleep before he has to be at work and see Lem and deal with Vic and just....fuck.  
  
Eventually, he manages to fall asleep, but there's only three and a half hours left, so it's not nearly as restful or as long as he would have liked. He gets up after slamming his hand down on his hapless alarm clock and groggily shuffles into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.  
  
He grabs a quick breakfast of coffee and donuts and heads into work, not all that happy about going, but he knows Vic will bitch if he tries to call in sick and may even show up at his door because they're in the middle of case, so he sucks it up and heads to their office.   
  
"What's up for the day?" He asks around a mouthful of donut.  
  
Ronnie steals one from him and he glares, but lets it happen. "Vic's out with Lem chasing down a lead. We're to wait for him before seeing what else there is to do."   
  
"Easy enough. Cards?" Shane takes a seat across from Ronnie and picks up the deck of cards.  
  
"Poker or Blackjack?" Ronnie asks, finishing up his stolen breakfast.  
  
"Poker." Shane begins to shuffle the cards, at ease with the familiar motion of the cards through his hands.  
  
He deals and they play, catching up with each other in a way they usually don't have time for when working a case. Then they switch to talking about the news and the recent gossip around the Barn.  
  
Vic comes in and looks at them. "Lazy bastards."   
  
"You're the one that left us here with no instructions other than wait." Ronnie points out.  
  
"All in." Shane says, a smug look on his face.  
  
"All in." Ronnie agrees after looking over his cards.  
  
They lay down their hands and Shane beats Ronnie with a straight and claims the betting pool, only at thirty bucks at that point.  
  
Vic shakes his head in amusement. "Come on, we've got some ground to cover."  
  
"Where's Lem?" Ronnie asks and Shane looks up, noticing that Lem hadn't followed Vic in.  
  
"He's chasing down another lead. The first one didn't pan out. We're going to help." Vic motions for them to get up and they do, grabbing their guns and badges out of their lockers and following Vic out into the car lot, piling into Vic's car.  
  
"So what's the lead?" Shane asks, looking curious.  
  
"Found the missing suspect's girlfriend. Think she knows where her man is hiding out now." Vic says, ignoring any of the speed limits as they drive farther into the ghetto.  
  


**~*~**

  
  
The case is solved. Vic and Ronnie head off to go home or out to the bar.   
  
Shane reaches his car and fiddles with his keys for a moment. "Hey, Lem?"   
  
Lem turns and looks at him. "What?"   
  
"You wanna come over? We can talk and drink and whatever." Shane rubs his fingers over the lines of his keys.  
  
Lem studies him for a moment. "Yeah, okay."  
  
Shane smiles brightly at him and feels like things are going to be okay.  
  
It's about time.


End file.
